Last week in ADOPTS training, I got to observe the therapist do the play therapy, and this week I was up to bat. Last week, I told the counselor that I thought it was tiring just watching her. This week, I was just exhausted. It was especially challenging because he had a bad behavior outburst at school that morning and I was still frustrated from that. I think I did a decent job, all things considered. She said she was impressed that I didn’t “give in” and help him stand up his action figure on the table – we both knew he could do it, and after testing me several times, he just did it himself.

Filial Therapy

What we’re doing here is called filial therapy. This is a way to help kids process their emotions in which the parent is the primary “therapeutic agent.” That is, the parent is the therapist. There are several benefits of this process:

1. We learn a new way of interacting, which improves our relationship
2. Little Dude receives focused attention from us, rather than a third party
3. We can help him “unlearn” anxieties he has picked up from his caregivers
4. We can correct miscommunications

Do we do this all the time?

Perish the thought! I can’t imagine how worn out I would be! We only do this for short periods of time, under special circumstances, using special toys. That is, the toys are not unusual toys, but they are set aside for the special play time. However, the idea is for us to generalize the skills to the rest of our time together.

What does Little Dude think of all of this?

Well, you know – he’s 4 years old, so it’s hard to get a straight, in-depth answer. However, I can say one thing: he doesn’t see it as playtime! He asked me on the way home why I didn’t play with him. I said I did play with him, but he insisted I didn’t. I can see his point, for sure. I like it though – I can see that he is having to push through his frustrations to do things on his own, and this is such a valuable life skill.

I feel like I’m also learning some life skills when I hold back and allow him to work it through on his own, just supporting him with my presence, but not doing it for him. This is quite something for a woman who spends a good deal of emotional energy worrying and trying to fix things for others!

Setting Limits: Getting our ACT together.

Last week, we focused mainly on “tracking” – verbally and physically following what Little Dude is doing, saying, and feeling. This week, we learned a new way of setting limits, using the acronym “A-C-T.”

Acknowledge your child’s feeling or desire: convey empathy and understanding for what they want to do
Communicate the limit: specifically and briefly say that they can’t do it
Target acceptable alternatives: provide something that they can do instead

They gave us an example using shooting a toy gun at Mom (they must know Little Dude…):

Billy, I know that you think it would be fun to shoot me,
but I’m not for shooting.
You can pretend that the doll is me (pointing at the doll) and shoot at it. (Tip: pointing helps redirect the child’s attention.)

Does this feel goofy and unnatural to you? Yep, me, too. I’ve used parts of it from time to time, but not usually all together. It’s hard not to feel a little silly at first. I was thinking how it might feel if someone used this to me:

Krista, I know that you think it would be fun to go 75 on the freeway,
but the highway is not for speeding.
You can pretend that your car is going 75, and make fast-sounding engine noises.

Hee hee.

*ADOPTS is specialized therapy to Address the Distress Of Post Traumatic Stress in adoptive children. Get More Information