I’ve put together a list of children’s adoption books that I’ve come across – some have become our favorites, but some don’t apply, and some are scary or offensive. So, I’ve taken to previewing the books before we read them to our son, and I’ve included a plot synopsis and my own notes if I’ve read the book. The books are grouped by age appropriateness, and I also noted what type(s) of adoption the book seems to address best. A lot of this is subjective, but I’ve done my best to give you a guide when you’re searching for a book to demystify adoption for your child or help your little one process adoption-related feelings. It’s a work in progress – I’ll be filling in any blanks over time, and you can feel free to add your notes in the comments if you know about a book I haven’t listed or haven’t read.

Book	Synopsis	Applies Best to:	Notes
Ages Birth to 5 years
Amy Angel Goes Home	This allegory shows a bunch of angels in heaven, going through training to be born on earth as a baby. Charlie sees his parents, and glow in his mother’s tummy where he knows he will be born. Amy is confused because she doesn’t see a glow in her mother’s tummy, and that’s when she finds out she is to be adopted, and that makes her feel special.	Infant Adoption	I found this story a little “too” sweet, plus I don’t see any Biblical foundation for the idea of babies being angels before birth. However, the concepts are good – adoption is just another way to come into a family, and the parents love an adopted child just the same as a biological child.
Flora’s Family	A little girl notices that she doesn’t look like her mom, and her parents explain to her about her adoption and reassure her that she is wanted.	Infant Adoption	Positive and cute.
Goose	A goose egg rolls into a den of woodchucks, and the goose is raised by the woodchucks. Goose feels sad because she’s different, and embarks on a journey of self-discovery.	Any Adoption Transracial Adoption International Adoption	I love this book! Molly Bang accurately displays the feeling of “otherness” that adoptees feel, but it also strikes a chord with any kid who doesn’t completely fit in. I found it painful to watch goose go off alone, but I sense that some journeys are so personal that parents can’t always accompany their child. Thus, it was with great relief to see Goose learn to fly, and choose to return to her family as her own “person.”
Happy Adoption Day	Illustrations for the song written to celebrate the anniversary of a child’s adoption.	Any Adoption	The score is included, which didn’t help me at all, since I can’t sight read music but someone sang it for me on YouTube: Happy Adoption Day
How I Was Adopted	Samantha introduces herself, along with her likes, dislikes and the fact that she’s adopted. She recounts her adoption story as told to her by her parents, including a couple pages about how babies are born.	Infant Adoption Infertility	This cheerful story covers several key points well: the way babies are made, how much care goes into the process of matching adoptive and birth families, the different characteristics that a child gets from his birthparents vs. his adoptive parents.
Mother For Choco	A little bird needs a mommy, and he asks lots of animals if they would be his mommy. They each say no because they don’t look like Choco, until finally Mrs. Bear sets Choco straight about what really makes a mommy – hugs and comfort and dancing.	Transracial Adoption	We love this book in our family, even though we look alike, because we love the story: we all mimic grumpy walrus and when Choco gets a hug from his new mommy, Little Dude gets a hug from me!
Over the Moon	Follows a couple as they dream about their baby, get a phone call about her birth, then fly far away (“over the moon”) to pick her up and take care of her.	International Adoption Infant Adoption	This is a cute story, with bright, bold illustrations. I love how she showed the anticipation and excitement of the parents, their extended family, and even their neighbors.
The Red Thread: An Adoption Fairy Tale	A King and Queen feel a pain in their heart, and an old man explains that they have a red thread coming out of their heart. When they follow the thread to a distant land, the other end is tied to their new baby.	International Adoption Infertility Infant Adoption	I love this story, because we did have a pain in our heart while we tried to build a family, and it seemed like we arrived road-weary to pick up our new baby… even though he was a toddler.
Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born	Parents recount the story of their adopted daughter’s birth, all the way from getting the phone call through the first night home.	Private Adoption Infertility Infant Adoption	This story is told in a very positive way, with a great sense of humor.
This Is How We Became a Family	The author tells this story as a modern fairy tale, talking about the couple who could have no children, the birthmother who was too young to parent and afraid, and the beloved baby.	Infertility Private Adoption Infant Adoption	A sweet story about private adoption.
Welcome Home, Forever Child		Older Child Adoption Foster Adoption International Adoption
Ages 5 – 8 years
Adopted and Wondering: Drawing Out Feelings	This book, best if you purchase it, is designed for children to color in. Each section describes a bit about adoption, then has several pages for coloring. The coloring pages are topped by a short statement, such as “When adults are told there is a child who needs a family, they feel happy and excited.” and then a drawing assignment, such as draw a picture how your parents felt when they learned they could adopt you.”	Any Adoption	I love this idea, and I can’t wait to try it. The author really breaks down the adoption experience into small steps that are easier to process. Furthermore, allowing the child to draw is therapeutic, a precursor to journaling, and helps the parent to understand how the child views his life and the people in it. Fantastic!
The Adopted One	A boy feels a little out of place because his family doesn’t look like him, and he asks questions about his “real” mother, which his mom and dad answer. Each page tells the story, but with parallel text for parents to read, explaining what goes on for the adopted child.	Private Adoption Transracial Adoption	Very uncomfortable with the term “real mother,” as that just doesn’t seem to be adoption friendly. The storyline is a little provocative, as when the dad says, “You’re not our real child either!” Ouch! However, they wrap it up well, and I think it does deal honestly with how kids think, and they explain their rationale in the text for parents.
All About Adoption: How Families are Made	Author explains many different types of families, touching on all types of adoption. One of the best all-around summaries of adoption in kid-friendly, adoption-friendly language. The only thing missing is coverage of the reasons for involuntary relinquishment.	Infant Adoption Foster Adoption International Adoption	The explanations are very common sense and thorough, without making value judgments. I used this book as a way to explain adoption in child-appropriate terms, even though we didn’t read it together because it was a little too long for a toddler attention span.
Being Adopted	Follows three adopted children as they question and assimilate the issues pertaining to their story, including photos of each and their families.	Transracial Adoption International Adoption	The photos are a little dated, and the text is probably too lengthy for a younger child. However, I really appreciated the wording, and it would be a good book for parents to use as a basis for how to talk with their young child about adoption.
The Colors of Us	Lena and her mother take a walk through their neighborhood, and the varied skin tones of friends and relatives they meet along the way are compared to honey, peanut butter, pizza crust, ginger, peaches, chocolate, and more, conjuring up delicious and beautiful comparisons for every tint.	Transracial Adoption Diversity	I didn’t find this book to be particularly focused on adoption. In fact, it seemed to be more of a general “diversity” book. However, learning to accept different shades of skin tone is never bad, and may be especially helpful if your skin tone doesn’t match your child’s.
Families Change: A Book for Children Experiencing Termination of Parental Rights	Text and illustrations talk about all the different emotions and situations that result from foster care and adoption, and places them in a framework of changes that happen to any family. Many different situations are represented including jail, abuse, kinship adoption, and different races are shown in the illustrations.	Foster Adoption Kinship Adoption	I really like how this book treats these tough issues. The book does a good job of normalizing situations that are inherently extreme, such as jail, drug addition treatment, ambivalence, and fear.
Finding the Right Spot: When Kids Can’t Live With Their Parents	This story is told by a little girl whose mother is an addict. The girl stayed out of school and took care of her mother, until they finally ended up living in a shelter, and the book opens as the girl appears before a judge and is taken into foster care with “Aunt Dane.” She tells us about her feelings of hope, ambivalence, grief, and fear, and the story ends before we find out whether she is reunited or adopted.	Foster Care	This story was touching and heartbreaking at the same time. It’s beautifully illustrated and scrupulously honest about a foster child’s experiences – it would be very validating to a child who has been through these experiences. It seemed unfair for the author to leave us “up in the air” about what happened to this girl – and yet, so appropriate, because that uncertainty is what foster children live with every day.
In My Heart	A mother explains that she carries her daughter “in her heart” while she goes throughout her work day and they are apart. Fun illustrations, showing the little girl in a heart shape, and so on.	Separation	While not strictly adoption related, this is a great way to address how people can stay connected when they are not physically together. This is important regarding the psychological presence of birth family, as well as to help adopted kids cope with separations without feeling rejected or overwhelmed with anxiety. (i.e. will this mommy leave me, too?)
A Koala For Katie	Katie asks if she was in her “real” mommy’s tummy, and her mother starts to discuss the details of her adoption, reinforcing that her adoptive mom is her real mommy, too. Katie then goes to the zoo and “adopts” a stuffed Koala, takes care of her new “baby,” and works out the concepts in her play.	Infant Adoption Private Adoption Infertility	This book approaches the “real mommy” talk by telling the child that both birth and adoptive moms are the “real” mommy. I tend to prefer the method (as in “You’re Not My Real Mother”) of saying that the “real” mommy is the one who takes care of you every day. Both have their good points. The story is cute and fun, though.
Let’s Talk About It: Adoption	this book doesn’t try to explain or define adoption; rather, it jumps into the middle of adoption and describes the various feelings that adopted kids and parents might have. It is written by Fred Rogers and is meant to spur conversation.	Any adoption	I was predisposed to dislike this book, since I’m not a big fan of Mr. Rogers, but I was actually very impressed with how easy the it was to relate to the feelings described and how relevant the situations are.
Max and the Adoption Day Party	Tells the story of Jose, who invites his friend Max to his Adoption Day Party. The party is described in detail, and works exactly like a birthday party, but Jose explains that it’s about his adoption day, or “gotcha day,” and Max has a good time. This is also an early reader book, so young adoptees can read it themselves.	Any Adoption	We acknowledge the day our son’s adoption was final, but we don’t celebrate it with a party as this family does. This is a lighthearted, fun story, though and would be good for your family if you have this tradition.
Maybe Days: A Book for Children in Foster Care	Text and illustrations talk about all the different emotions and situations of temporary foster care. The title of the book reflects the frustrations and uncertainty that are inherent to foster care: maybe you’ll stay with foster family, maybe you’ll go back to birthparent(s), maybe you’ll be adopted.	Foster Care	This book is very focused on foster care, prior to any adoption plans being made. It’s a difficult time for everyone due to the uncertainty of the future, and the book has broad coverage of the associated feelings kids have.
Mulberry Bird	A young mother bird struggles to take care of her chick without the father bird, and finally agrees to have the owl find an adoptive family for the bird.	Private Adoption Foster Adoption	This story was surprisingly emotional, and I found myself relating strongly to the pathos inherent to the birthmother’s situation. Some of the situations were sad and scary and probably best for a slightly older child.
My New Family: A First Look at Adoption	This book explains the various types of adoption in simple terms with lighthearted illustrations. There are several thought questions interspersed with the text, to spur discussion with your child.	Any Adoption	This book is a good overview of adoption, covering all different adoption situations, and some of the feelings that go with it.
A Place In My Heart	Charlie, a chipmunk adopted by squirrels, is happy-go-lucky, until one day when he begins to really wonder about his birthparents, who he’s never seen. He becomes sad, and then aggressive with his siblings and disobedient in general. Charlie’s mother draws a heart for her and one for Charlie, and they write the names of everyone they care for, to show that we all have room in our hearts for everyone we love.	Any Adoption	This is a cute story, and I like the demonstration of how “wondering” can turn into “bad behavior” in an adopted child. The heart thing is a very good visual, and you could do this with your child as you read the book, which is neat.
Rosie’s Family: An Adoption Story	This story is told from the perspective of Rosie – a Beagle adopted by Schnauzers. She tells her adoption story, and she talks about all the different questions she had about her adoption, as well as how her family answered them and the conclusions she came to.	Transracial Adoption International Adoption	What a cute story! I’m partial to dogs, of course. Telling this story from a puppy’s perspective really takes away some of the sting of highly charged issues, such as looking different from your family. Rosie even asks whether Mom and Dad are her “real” parents, and it didn’t seem quite so annoying the way this author approached it. This book focuses on common adoption issues, with a bent towards families who aren’t visually similar.
The Skin I’m In: A First Look at Racism	Book describes the reasons for racism, as well as the resulting feelings it causes for kids if they are the victim of racism. The book suggests some ways to cope with it, and also has some thought questions you can ask your child to get them talking about this topic.	Transracial Adoption Racism	This book does a good job of describing racist motivation, without excusing it. While it does not directly cover adoption themes, it will be useful if your adopted child experiences racism, especially if you have not personally.
The Star: A Story to Help Young Children Understand Foster Care	This is the story of Kit, a small child who is taken from her birthmother’s house in the night by two social workers. It follows Kit as she’s taken to a foster home, fed, bathed, and put to bed. Then, a star in the sky begins to talk to her, explaining that he’s in foster care, and that lots of other kids are, too, and Kit is greatly reassured.	Foster Care	This book aptly describes the fearful experience of being taken from the only home you know by strangers, to be put in a home of more strangers. I like the things the “star” says to reassure Kit, but I wish it wasn’t a “magic star.” That is, foster care is real, the emotions that go with it are real, but the star isn’t real. So, a foster child reading it is left wishing then had a magic star to make them feel better. Wish, instead, that it was a person.
What is Adoption: Helping Non-Adopted Children Understand Adoption	Alex, who is adopted, shares his life book with his friend Violet. She had not known he was adopted, and has lots of questions for her own mother, Alex, and Alex’s mother. The book follows Violet as she processes these questions and their answers.	Any Adoption	I like how this book reflects the natural curiosity of kids about adoptive families. Violet’s questions aren honest, and at times uncomfortable, but the adults and Alex answer them well. I particularly like when Violet’s mother asks her to think about the different types of families they know, highlighting the fact that many families are “different.” In fact, the book may be slightly optimistic, as Violet’s questions are never rude, no one answers, “I don’t know,” and nobody gets defensive. But hey – if you can’t be idealistic in a book, where can you?
You’re Not My Real Mother	A little girl, noticing that she doesn’t look like her Mom, tells her adoptive mom, “You’re not my real mother.” Her mom then asks her a series of questions about what “real” moms do, and the little girl comes to the conclusion that this is her real mom.	International Adoption Transracial Adoption	Again, I cringe at the term “real” mom, but this is the concept and wording that kids have to struggle with when they are trying to understand adoption. I think the mother in the book responds calmly, and that didn’t seem to realistic to me – it kinda’ stings when my son comes out with these kind of things – but it’s a good goal.
Zachary’s New Home: A Story for Foster and Adopted Children	Little boy placed in foster care due to abuse, then placed with adoptive family, and then struggles to attach, including running away to look for his “real” mom and dad.	Foster Adoption Older Child Adoption	While I recognize the effort this author makes to validate the child’s feelings with language a child might use, I did not like the use of mom/dad for birthparents, or the repeated use of the term “real” mom. Even though it was in quotes, a child can’t appreciate that subtlety. Didn’t feel comfortable with Zachary running away, fearing it would give Little Dude ideas…
Ages 9 – 12 years
How It Feels To Be Adopted	19 boys and girls, from age 8 – 16 and from every social background, confide their feelings about adoption.	Foster Adoption Private Adoption	These stories are transcribed from the actual adoptees, and they are very honest and refreshing, displaying a wide range of emotions and reactions to their own adoptions. My only regret is that the book is from 1982, when ongoing contact with birthparents was still rare, so we don’t get any feedback from children who experienced that.
Megan’s Birthday Tree: A Story About Open Adoption	When the child was born, her birth mother, Kendra planted a tree, and every year she sends a photo of it to Megan on her birthday. Now Kendra is getting married and moving, and the Megan worries that her birth mother will forget her without the tree as a reminder.	Open Adoption	This story was well done – I think it’s a good reminder to parents that children can often be affected in surprising ways by change, as well as the psychological presence and importance of birthparents.
One Wonderful You
Star of the Week	Internationally adopted girl struggles with a school assignment in which she is to make an autobiographical poster.	International Adoption	Very nicely handled, and relevant, subject matter.
Older: pre-teen and teenaged kids
Adopted Teens Only: A Survival Guide to Adolescence
All About Adoption: How to Deal with the Questions of Your Past	Cartoons and casual, conversational tone to deal with common feelings and situations that adopted kids face in themselves and with their peers.
Returnable Girl

In ADOPTS, we learned a new way of setting limits. In fact, even the word “limits” is new – we used to say “rules” or “saying no” for such things. This new way is more challenging, but has a more long-lasting benefit. Instead of just saying, “No” or “Stop” or haphazardly distracting Little Dude, we are intentionally training him that when he feels like doing action A, he can’t, but he can do action B. Eventually, he will just choose action B in the first place.

It works – I’ve seen it with Little Dude – but it’s a mouthful at times. Essentially, you must:

1. figure out what your child is feeling or wanting
2. figure out what you don’t like about it and how to word that
3. come up with an alternate activity that will fill the initial need

In other words, you have to figure out what will scratch their itch, and not give you the itch! Oh, and you’ll need to do this on the fly, often many times a day. It puts more of a burden on you, the parent, because it requires more creativity than just saying, “Stop hitting me!” I find that it’s helpful to have lots of real world examples to read and think about, so that you’ve already got that wording floating around in your head when you need it. I’ve collected the samples I’ve found in the literature, below. Continue reading →

We’ve been doing this a few months now, via ADOPTS, and we went through a real rough patch in the middle, in which Little Dude did not want to go to play therapy… and he made it known every time we talked about it. That drove me to some research on play therapy, and I found these great “frequently asked questions” and answers that helped. Of course, I have paraphrased in my typically irreverent style – if you’d like the therapists’ real words, you can find all of these in the book, Child Parent Relationship Therapy (CPRT) Treatment Manual.
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When you’re trying to revamp your relationship with a troubled child, it can seem like a real uphill battle. These rules of thumb are pertinent to filial therapy, but I think they’re pretty applicable to all parenting! Continue reading →

Who would have thought you could get so much fun out of a $1 bath pouf? I always get these for myself because I love how many bubbles come from so little soap – it appeals to my frugal side. On a whim, I put one in my Little Dude’s Easter Basket. It wasn’t that I really thought he’d care for it, but it went with the rest of the things so I gave it a try.

Little did I know that he would love it! My husband said that he immediately wanted to scrub himself all over with the pouf, and sure enough – here was the little guy in the tub getting clean with a big grin on his face. This is great if you’ve been having to struggle to teach your child hygiene, and it’s also a good sensory experience, if your child has sensory integration issues.
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Courtesy of my father-in-law:

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

I could agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
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As we wrap up our ADOPTS training, we have one final assignment: to write a letter to our child about the progress we’ve seen in him, and then read it to him at our last session. This has been a really tough assignment for me, which is why I’ve procrastinated about 8 weeks!
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The sentences below are from a handout we received at ADOPTS training. The words were printed using huge font, and that’s all that was on the page. I can see that they are trying to emphasize the importance, but my sarcastic self also wondered if they were trying to indicate remedial training for the praise-delayed parent (such as myself)!
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The tools for filial therapy are toys – parents collect a “kit” of toys that are used only for the special play time. However, these aren’t just any toys. The toys for the filial play kit are carefully selected for the category of play, as well as more practical considerations, such as easier clean-up! Most parents will just haphazardly pull toys from the child’s toy box and go with it – that’s what we did! However, now that I found this list, I plan to revamp our play kit. Many of these things we had at home, but I added notes as to where I found the ones I had to purchase.

These toys are selected because they provide a wide range of expression, mastery, imagination, fantasy play, creativity, and activity. So, don’t sabotage your sessions by including mechanical toys or games that limit creativity! The toys needn’t be new, expensive toys – in fact, cheap or old toys are better because they give the child more freedom to be rough with them. With that in mind, make sure to check thrift stores, garage sales, dollar stores, etc. if you don’t have these toys at home.
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