It works – I’ve seen it with Little Dude – but it’s a mouthful at times. Essentially, you must:

1. figure out what your child is feeling or wanting
2. figure out what you don’t like about it and how to word that
3. come up with an alternate activity that will fill the initial need

In other words, you have to figure out what will scratch their itch, and not give you the itch! Oh, and you’ll need to do this on the fly, often many times a day. It puts more of a burden on you, the parent, because it requires more creativity than just saying, “Stop hitting me!” I find that it’s helpful to have lots of real world examples to read and think about, so that you’ve already got that wording floating around in your head when you need it. I’ve collected the samples I’ve found in the literature, below.

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My child notices that I talk differently in the play sessions and wants me to talk normally.

To fix this, you have to figure out what’s behind the complaint. It could be that they are surprised by the attention, or doesn’t want you to change because then he’d have to change in response. If so, do nothing. If he is complaining because you are reflecting too frequently, slow it down.

My child asks many questions during play sessions, and resents that I’m not answering.

Start by validating (reflecting) the resentment: “You’re angry at me.” Then, you can remind them that they are the leader in special playtime: “In our special playtime, the answer can be anything you want it to be.” However, our therapist cautioned us that there is a fine line between reflection and evasion: it’s ok to answer some questions.

My child just plays and has fun – what am I doing wrong?

Maybe nothing. The child is supposed to be playing. Just make sure you are doing what you’re supposed to be doing: tracking and reflecting.

I’m bored. What’s the point of this?

I’ll just be honest here: I have never been bored if I’m doing my part of the therapy properly: trying to figure out what he’s feeling and how best to reflect it. One trick that really helped me was to make sure I was looking into his eyes, to try to see what he was feeling.

My child doesn’t respond to my comments – how do I know I’m on track?

Ha ha – you don’t! Seriously, though – a child will often tell you if you are on track, so no response may mean you were off in your assessment. If you said, “You’re really angry!” and got no response, you can try, “Or maybe it’s not anger, maybe you’re just feeling really strong.” Still nothing? Try, “Maybe that’s not it either. I wonder what it could be that you’re feeling.” Try to keep it to a statement, though – remember that questions imply lack of understanding and are distancing.

When is it OK for me to ask questions?

Basically, never. I liked this tip: if you know enough to ask a question, you know enough to make a statement. So, “are you angry?” becomes “You’re angry!” or “You seem angry.” you can also use “I wonder” to rephrase, as in “I wonder if that has ever happened to you.” For the rare question that you can’t avoid, use a stage whisper to reinforce that little one is still in charge, such as “What should I say?”

My child hates the play sessions.

This is where we were, but we were seeing such obvious results, especially in his school, that there was no way I was going to quit! I tried a number of things that worked, but I liked this suggestion, too: “You don’t want to have special play time – you’d rather do something else. {validating} Let’s have special play time for 10 minutes, then you can decide if you want to have the rest of the special play time or do something else. {compromise}” This is response gives the child control, while still retaining authority for the parent.

My child wants the playtime to be longer.

Ha – I wish. This did not apply to us, but I’m including it for completeness. Don’t extend the playtime, instead, use this as an opportunity to use therapeutic limit setting: “You’re really having fun and want to keep playing, but our special play time is over for today. We’ll have another play time next Tuesday.” It’s helpful if you have something else fun to do after play time, such as snack time.

My child wants me to shoot him during the play session.

Again, use the therapeutic limit setting – ACT: Acknowledge the desire, Communicate the limit, Target an acceptable alternative.

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1. Be a thermostat, not a thermometer: A thermometer parent heats up when the child heats up; a thermostat parent recognizes the heat, and takes action to bring the emotional temperature back to normal.
2. What’s most important may not be what you do, but what you do after what you did: Everybody makes mistakes, but that’s never the end of the story! It’s how you repair your mistakes that will help your relationship get better.
3. Parent’s toes should follow their nose: Body language conveys interest (or disinterest!) so make sure your body is following your child, not just your eyes.
4. You can’t give away what you don’t possess: You can’t extend patience and acceptance to your child if you can’t first offer it to yourself! (Hint: go easy on yourself)
5. When a child is drowning, don’t try to teach her to swim: When a child is feeling upset or out of control, that’s not the time to impart a rule or teach lesson. Instead, take action to calm down or comfort.
6. Limits are not needed until they are needed: Minimize the number of rules in your house by asking yourself:
   Is this limit necessary?
   Can I consistently enforce this limit?
   If I don’t set a limit, can I consistently allow this behavior and still accept my child?
7. Grant in fantasy what you can’t grant in reality: In a play session, it’s ok to act out feelings and wishes that in reality may require limits.
8. Never do for a child that which he can do for himself: When you do, you rob your child of the joy of discovery and oppportunity to feel competent. You also make your life harder if you’re always doing for your child!
9. Where there are no limits, there is no security: When you don’t follow through, you lose credibility with your child. Consistent limits create a safe, predictable environment, which creates a sense of security.

These are the ones that seemed most applicable to our family, but there are more in the book, if you like what you’ve read here:
Child Parent Relationship Therapy (CPRT) Treatment Manual: A 10-Session Filial Therapy Model for Training Parents, by Garry Landreth and Sue Bratton

Little did I know that he would love it! My husband said that he immediately wanted to scrub himself all over with the pouf, and sure enough – here was the little guy in the tub getting clean with a big grin on his face. This is great if you’ve been having to struggle to teach your child hygiene, and it’s also a good sensory experience, if your child has sensory integration issues.

Last night, we found a new use for the pouf, which I’d like to recommend. Over time, as you may know, the poufs begin to come apart, and it’s time to get a new one. Once you’ve given up on your pouf, though, remove the rope handle and unravel it for a funky scarf-like toy that your kids will also love. Mine quickly turned into a dog leash, in which I was the doggie and Little Dude pulled me around wherever he wanted me to go.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

I could agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

I thought I wanted a career. It turns out I just wanted pay checks.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”.

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even when you wish they were.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Some cause happiness wherever they go: Others whenever they go.

There’s a fine line between cuddling, and holding someone down so they can’t get away.

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are running after it as when you are in it.

Why is it so hard to write a letter of praise?

Well, first of all, appreciation is not one of my core strengths. It feels most natural to praise someone once they have completed (probably perfectly) their assignment. Our Little Dude has come a long way, but there are still quite a few moments of parental agony. To put it bluntly – I don’t always feel like praising him!

The other difficulty is that we’re not to just write any letter – there are several principles we are to use in the letter to communicate self-worth to our child, even though these may not be the most natural way of speaking.

1. Be sincere
2. Appreciate who our son is, in spite of his behavior
3. Praise him for what he has accomplished over the last months
4. Use encouragement, say “You must be so proud…” instead of “I’m so proud…”
5. Use specific examples
6. Don’t qualify your praise, say “You did an excellent job” instead of “You did an excellent job except for….”

Making it Easier

There are a few things I’ve found to make it easier on myself. First, I can use the guideline about “specific examples” to make it very specific. That is, it would be disingenuous for me to say, “You handle your anger so well now,” because he still blows his stack a lot! However, if I can think specifically, I can say, “You really used your words well the other day when you said you were getting angry at me.”

Second, I can give myself a break. It doesn’t have to be a long letter – even just a few sentences would be completely appropriate for him, especially since he is so young.

Finally, I could just do something completely different. Rather than trying to write one letter to encompass all 3 months of training, I may choose to use this template from Child Parent Relationship Therapy to write shorter notes on an ongoing basis.

Dear {Little Dude},
I was just thinking about you,
and what I was thinking is you
are so …. (thoughtful, responsible,
loving, etc.).
Love, Mommy

Character Qualities

If you’re also having trouble getting started, look over this list of character qualities and choose several that you see in your child. This turns the process into more of a “multiple choice” task rather than starting from scratch. Any of these character words would work well in the template, above.

• accountable
• affectionate
• appreciative
• assertive
• bold
• brave
• careful
• caring
• clever
• compassionate
• confident
• considerate
• cooperative
• courageous
• courteous
• creative
• decisive
• dependable
• determined
• direct
• energetic
• enjoyable
• enthusiastic
• forgiving
• friendly

• fun
• generous
• gentle
• goal oriented
• good sport
• grateful
• helpful
• honest
• humble
• idealistic
• insightful
• intelligent
• inventive
• joyful
• just
• kind
• loving
• loyal
• modest
• neat
• orderly
• outgoing
• patient
• peaceful

• persistent
• polite
• purposeful
• punctual
• quiet
• reliable
• resourceful
• respectful
• responsible
• self-assured
• self-controlled
• self-disciplined
• sensitive
• sincere
• smart
• supportive
• tactful
• team player
• tenacious
• thoughtful
• thorough
• tolerant
• truthful
• wise

Motivation

When you speak words of encouragement, they build your child’s self-esteem, but there is nothing that compares with a letter that you spent time and thought to write. Your child can refer back to that many times. For a little reminder of the power of a letter, I leave you with this: The Letter, by the Box Tops.

Click here to view the video on YouTube.

*ADOPTS is specialized therapy to Address the Distress Of Post Traumatic Stress in adoptive children. Get More Information

• I’m so lucky to have you.
• You are a great helper.
• I like it when you try so hard.
• Let’s talk about it.
• I’m sorry.
• You’re very special to me.
• Thank you for being patient.
• You’re a great kid.
• I love you.

*ADOPTS is specialized therapy to Address the Distress Of Post Traumatic Stress in adoptive children. Get More Information

These toys are selected because they provide a wide range of expression, mastery, imagination, fantasy play, creativity, and activity. So, don’t sabotage your sessions by including mechanical toys or games that limit creativity! The toys needn’t be new, expensive toys – in fact, cheap or old toys are better because they give the child more freedom to be rough with them. With that in mind, make sure to check thrift stores, garage sales, dollar stores, etc. if you don’t have these toys at home.

Remember that the toys are only for the special play time – some parents keep the toys in the trunk of the car to make sure the child doesn’t sneak in to get them before playtime! When it’s time for the special playtime, you can lay out a blanket or rug on the floor, which will help to show the physical boundary (play time happens here) as well as contain any mess. Lay the toys out around the edge of the blanket to help your child see all the options, and try to lay them out the same way every time. When play time is over, the parent picks up the toys themselves, which is a bonus of special play time for your child, although you can allow them to help if they want to. Picking up the toys yourself also helps to “end” the playtime, since the child may not want to quit.

Real-life/Nurturing Toys

• small baby doll¹
• nursing bottle (real, so child can drink from it)¹
• doctor kit, with stethoscope and three band-aids (Only 3 – kids get a thrill out of using “all” the band-aids, so buy a big box, but only put 3 out at a time)
• two toy phones²
• doll family⁶ (note that you can store the toys in a cardboard box with a lid that can double as a dollhouse – draw lines on the inside of the lid to designate rooms and draw or cut windows and doors in the sides of the lid)
• couple domestic and wild animals (you can substitute animal family if you don’t have dolls)
• play money¹ (I bought a used Monopoly game and took the money out)
• car/truck
• plastic kitchen dishes^{1 2}
  
• puppets – one aggressive, one gentle*
• doll furniture* (bedroom, bathroom, kitchen)
• small dress-up items* (hand mirror², bandana, scarf, things you already have around the house)

Acting Out/Aggressive Release Toys

• dart gun, darts, target²
• rubber knife⁴ (I used a foam sword from Target)
• piece of rope³
• aggressive animal or two (strongly suggest hollow shark)
• small toy soldiers² (12 – 15 of two different colors to specify teams, such as good guys, bad guys)
• inflatable bop bag⁵
• mask (Lone Ranger type)²
• handcuffs with key*²

Creative/Expressive Toys

• Play-Doh (include a cookie sheet to contain the mess)
• crayons (8 colors: use old ones, or break a few and rip off the paper, implying that it’s fine for the child to do that in special playtime)
• plain paper (child can use the cookie sheet as a hard surface for drawing, too)
• child’s scissors
• transparent tape (child could use all of this, so try to buy several small ones)
• egg carton (for destroying, breaking, or coloring)
• ring toss game³
• deck of playing cards¹
• soft foam ball⁴ (Make it really soft – it will probably be thrown at you)
  
• two balloons²
• selection of arts and crafts materials in a ziplock bag*
• Tinkertoys or a small assortment of building blocks*
• binoculars*²
• tambourine, drum or other small musical instrument*
• magic wand*

*Optional toys

¹ Thrift store
² Dollar/Party Store
³ Fred Meyer
⁴ Target Dollar section
⁵ Internet: Blank Therapeutic Bop Bag (these are high quality, good if your child is a fighter!)
⁶ Snapdoodle Toys has dolls by PlanToys, and they sell individual dolls, too, which is great if you have a transracial, larger, or otherwise non-standard family.

*ADOPTS is specialized therapy to Address the Distress Of Post Traumatic Stress in adoptive children. Get More Information